This house looks like Hitler

Care in the community

I’ve not had a job for a while, so I'd thought fill the time by helping some of my elderly neighbours - doing the hovering and general tidying up. Yesterday, I was round at Mrs Doyles’s, offering a hand (but not after tucking into some of her very nice home made cake!). I’m not going to lie to you, she did seem a bit shocked, when she saw me in her kitchen tucking away. Perhaps I should have warned her I was coming round. But then, the whole reason I broke in in the first place, rather than knock at the door, was to not inconvenience her. I did the only thing I could think of in that situation – run away before she got a good look at me, so all should be well. Anyway, she shouldn’t be in hospital long, apparently the fall didn’t do her too much damage.

To be honest, I don’t think I’ll be helping out in this way again. I mean, the cake was nice, but I cut my arm when I fell into her cabinet, and smashed all her plates. I wouldn’t say it’s her fault I got injured, but I do completely blame her for it.

Anyway, based on how it tasted, here’s the recipe for Mr Doyles’s cake:

100g flour
4 eggs (unfortunately mine were rancid, but this is not recommended)
13g butter
4 Snickers
Salt and pepper to season

Mix the flower, eggs, butter and seasoning into a bowl. Dip the Snickers into the mixture, and eat. Alternatively, just eat the Snickers on their own; as the dip gave me food poisoning.

Important

Can the person who keeps pissing in my garden please refer to my sign i.e. stop it.

Thanks.

Wally

Some people are so ungrateful

My next door neighbour is always going on about how time consuming and hard work it is to mow her lawn and look after her flowers. So, when she went away for a few days, I arranged for her entire back garden to be concreted. It took the best part of a day, and wasn’t cheap, so you can imagine my shock when I didn’t get as much as a thank you. Far from it in fact – she called the police. I mean, how was I supposed to know she wouldn’t want it concreted? She never said, “Wally, just so you know, under no-circumstance ever cover every inch of my back garden in concrete”. Yet, somehow, I am expected to know this. She said, ‘all my lovely flowers are gone’ – which is a complete lie. I couldn’t afford a skip, so all the flowers and grass have been dumped on the front lawn.

It makes me really wonder if I should ever do anything nice again. I was going to paint all the glass in her windows black, as she complained too much light gets into her house, but I’m not sure I will now.

And yet I’m the one with the eviction notice being processed against me!

As per usual, I’m sharing a recipe:

VEGETARIAN’S DELIGHT:

Ingredients:

1 x whole chicken
1kg of beef
500g of diced kangaroo (wallaby can be used instead if kangaroo is not available)
14 x pigs trotters
1 x teaspoon of olive oil
1 x large onion.
Balsamic vinegar

Method:

Chop a small amount of all the ingredients and throw the rest away. Place in an oven dish and bake at gas mark 5 for about 4 minutes, and leave to cool for an hour before serving.

N.B. This dish is revolting and should not be consumed under any circumstances.

I hate fish

I hate fish. So you can probably understand my frustration when I accidentally went to my local fishmongers, bought all his fish, took it home, cooked it, and ate all of it, especially when what I had actually meant to do was to go to the cinema.

And if the taste of fish isn’t bad enough itself, people insist on cooking it in jam, which I did. I don’t know who it was who decided that fish and jam would make a good combination. If anything, the opposite is true.

Also - apparently accidentally buying, cooking and eating a load of fish, is not considered an emergency. No one tells you that do they? They don’t say, “if you ever get in situation where you accidentally go to your local fishmongers, buy all his fish, take it home, cook it, and eat it, whatever you do, don’t call 999, cause it’s a waste of their time.” So how was I supposed to know.

Today's recipe bellow:

DOMINO’S PIZZA

1. Go to dominos.co.uk
2. Find number for local Domino’s
3. Ring and order a pizza

My father invented cheese

No-one ever believes me when I say that, but it happens to be a fact.

The story goes that when he was a young lad, he was in the kitchen, intending to make a bacon and egg sandwich. He accidentally undercooked the egg, and overcooked the bacon. When he mixed them together, it produced a tangy by creamy cheese tasting product.

He immediately ran naked through the streets of London, pronouncing 'Cheese, cheese, I've invented cheese'. After he was released on from the police station, he returned home briefly, before being sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

Here's one of my favourite cheese-based recipes:

Cheese Sandwich

1 x lemon

48 x mushrooms

3 1/2 x battered tomatoes

12 x cloves of garlic

1 x salmon

Fry the lemon until alight, dice the mushrooms and rub in the microwave. Batter the tomotoes further, smash with a hammer and add to the lemon. Eat the garlic, and vomit if neccessary. Pour the lemon and tomatoes onto the samon and boil for about a day.

(As an alternative to this dish, you may want to order a pizza).

Re-capping the year to date (part 2)

FEBRUARY

I went to the police station to report my car stolen. The police took quite a few details, and told me they'd look into it. I did tell them one white lie, regarding the car. I told them that I owned a maroon Lada 66TT. In reality, I've never owned a car, let alone had one stolen. I can't even drive. I hope this doesn't impede their investigation. Incidentally, I don't think that Lada produces a car called the 66TT.

MARCH AND APRIL

I have no memory of these months

MAY

Charged with wasting police time. After which, I cooked:

"Household's Delight"

2 x eggs

1 x half loaf of bread (IMPORTANT MUST either be brown, white, granary, rye, 'best of both', or any other type of bread available)

1 x handful of pasta spirals

1 x half bag of frozen peas

11 x heaped table spoons of salt

1 x half jar of instant coffee.

Preheat oven to highest setting. Place the bread evenly on the baking tray, crush pasta spirals with a hammer, and sprinkle onto the bread, until all bread is covered. Add the frozen peas, and place in the oven for 15 minutes. Remove, and add the coffee and the salt. Serve with tap water, preferable lots, to compensate for the high salt levels.

I made this several times, however I stopped eventually, as it tended to make me physically sick.