Not the best of starts to the New Year. I lost my keys, and was locked out of my house for three weeks. I slept in a local street, and became quite good friends with Alistair and Lord John, two local tramps. They smell terribly, but boy do they know how to drink. I played a few games of poker with them, however not being familiar with the game, I lost miserably. I ended up owing them £300, but it was me who got the last laugh - I didn't pay them a penny. I simply told them to fuck off.
I re-entered my house at the end of the month, through the back door, which was never locked. Arguably, I should have done this earlier. Excited by my return home, I cooked a slap up meal:
"Uncle John's Lunch"
1 x large bag of onions
1 x tin of baked beans
1 x half bottle of orange squash
2 x jars of low sugar jam
1 x plain digestive biscuit
1 x large bag of sugar.
Preheat oven to highest setting. Place the onions in the oven, and bake until charcoal like. Heat some water in a saucepan, and add the baked beans. Boil for 20 minutes. Drink the orange squash, undiluted, and vomit if necessary. Drain the boiled baked beans, and add to the charcoaled onions. Throw the digestive biscuit in the bin, and spread the jar of jam generously onto the beans. Pour all the sugar on, then leave in the freezer over night. Remove the following morning and microwave on full power for 20 minutes.