Monday, 4 October 2010

Something that almost certainly never happened

I sat in my room looking out onto the street. It was about four in the morning, and my window was open. There was an old tramp stumbling across the road, he looked to be struggling - so after careful thought, I threw him a can of beer. It narrowly missed his head. It hit a rubbish bin, making a loud din and woke up several dogs. On closer inspection, I realised it wasn’t a tramp but my neighbour, Susan.

I was now feeling quite awake, so decided to go for a walk. I put on a coat and headed on to the street. I found my beer by the bin and opened it; I sipped it as it spurted beer over my face. I turned my head, and as I did so, my own rubbish bin caught my eye. In it was a brand new microwave oven, very similar to my own. I began to suspect that it was my own; having only bought it that day, I had accidentally disposed of it instead of putting it in my kitchen. Laughing to myself at the stupidity of throwing away a working microwave, I carefully removed it from the bin and threw it with great force down the street. Content that it was now broken, I re-positioned it in the bin.

Feeling an urge to relieve myself, I approached my front door and urinated up it, checking the doorbell worked as I did, which I knew for a fact didn’t. It was at this point that I realised that I had left my keys in the flat. Luckily, however, I had a spare set under the doormat, which I had just pissed on.

I noticed the milkman had come early so I crossed the street to see if the flat opposite had any milk, which it didn’t. Nor did its neighbours, or any of the houses. In fact, the milkman couldn’t have come early, as the milkman did not deliver to this street. I walked back to my flat and as I got to my door, turned round and threw my can at the road, having been aiming for the pavement, but just shaving it by five metres.

I went back in, through the landing and up the stairs. I went into my kitchen and turned the light on. I decided to boil an egg, so I filled the kettle and switched it on. After about thirty seconds, I got bored waiting, so I just poured the water over the egg and hoped for the best. I peered out the window and saw a cat creeping along, so I hurled my egg at it. It yelped, then jumped to the floor and urinated on my bicycle.

I went back to my room, put on my suit for work, and went to bed. 

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